I write to you in the language of your husband’s home. A language of love, romance, and tragedy. A language that has told the stories of the greatest triumphs, struggles, and the greatest love on Earth. Tonight your husband told me he wanted to be home. He wants to keep fighting, but he wants to be home. I spoke to him tonight in spanish thinking that I might be able to bring a piece of home to him.
Your life, and his, is not a happy one; it is so much more than that. You (plural) have a beautiful life. The way you kissed his fever away is more than Earthly life can offer. You found something more beautiful than life on earth. You found great love- the most challenging blessing one can bear. It is not something you can have then lose. It is not something you can hold or hide. It is the burning core of a great system. Something bigger than life: you, him. his home, your home. your families. your experiences together and apart.
You have a beautiful life ahead of you and behind you. This is all part of it. You may not see it or feel it right now. You may feel incredible sadness, anger, or maybe numb. But there is so much beauty around you. He is part of that and always will be. You are a part of his beauty, his great love, and always will be.
I apologize for the times I stared at him blankly, not knowing what to do. We all have those moments. That is a part of our great system of love and life. Sometimes you can’t do anything but feel. Take moments during your day not to translate your feelings into any language… or any words. Feel your life together and apart in your great system, your great burning core. It is what it is. It is beauty, and tragedy and love.
No words in any language can express my feelings. I’m so sorry.